Super Happy Baseball Fun Time Hour 2011

Surely some of you have seen some advertisement in your years for a Japanese imported TV show with a title that doesn't quite translate to the U.S. One episode of Seinfeld made particular light of this because a brief clip of Jerry on a Japanese TV show meant he was going to receive countless royalty checks for a whopping 12 cents, which led him to have a serious case of writer's cramp. I title this post this way because, in case you hadn't noticed, the 2011 Major League Baseball season started today and like I do in most years, I probably need to write some sort of preview detailing how I think these things will go. And really, considering the team that I follow and put my irrational faith in, well, I'd rather not talk about how things will go. That's because I'm unlikely to see a baseball season that goes how I want it to unless I start following a team from Japan, where baseball might actually be a super happy fun time this year.

And really, if I wanted to do just that, I do already have the appropriate merchandise for a team to support.

However, while I do follow two sports teams in foreign countries fairly closely, adding a third that is in a country that doesn't speak English is probably too much work. So .... I'm stuck with the Mets. And this year that doesn't look like it's going to be too good a situation. And what would give me that idea beyond the whole "bloated-roster-with-aging-expensive-ineffective-players-coupled-with-a-painfully-thin-farm-system-and-an-ownership-group-that-is-currently-being-sued-for-a-billion-dollars-because-of-its-connection-with-a-ponzi-scheme" thing?

Well, if you read the Sports Illustrated baseball preview this week and its scouting report on New York, it included really positive nuggets like, "Their system is really thin and there's not a lot there. I don't see an impact player coming from within and they have to change the climate. If they're smart, they'll blow the club up and start over," and "God help them." Not making that last one up, either. Fortunately, Terry Collins sent me a letter this morning letting me know that everything's cool, which I can only assume is some sort of misguided April Fool's joke. So basically the Mets are widely expected to be terrible this season, which I suppose isn't surprising, but I can at least take solace in the fact that the Phillies won't be winning the World Series.

And how do I know this?

Well, I could go into detail about how their historically impressive pitching staff is currently just masking an offense that will be nowhere near what it was three years ago when they won the World Series, but really I'm simply relying on the fact that the Phils were the cover subject of this year's Major League Baseball preview issue. And we know how I feel about Sports Illustrated and its supposedly nonsensical cover curse. But also, let's take a look at SI Cover subjects for their baseball previews over the years. If you do your research, you'll see that with the bizarre exception of an impressive three of four stretch that included the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals, 2007 Boston Red Sox and 2009 New York Yankees, Sports Illustrated hasn't featured the eventual champ on its baseball preview cover in my lifetime. Though it did curiously predict the 1998 home run chase. That's a going rate of 3 for 25 right now, an average which is, to say the least, not good enough for Cooperstown.

So, uh, yeah, I'm not worried based on that entirely irrelevant statistic. Some of you may say that the picks I'm about to make are somewhat biased because the season already started today, but, uh, for the 12 teams that did open their season, there's still 99.4% of the season to go. I'm pretty sure it will matter about as much as it would have if I wrote this yesterday.

Let's make some awful predictions.

NL EAST

1. Philadelphia
2. Atlanta
3. Florida
4. NY Mets
5. Washington

The upsetting thing here is that putting the Mets ahead of the Nationals, who are actually building quite well, might be optimistic of me. God, I hope that's not the case, but I couldn't swear to it at this point. Either way, I will maintain hope that New York does something, anything well. In the meantime, I'll just get bitter about seeing the Phillies win another division title despite an aging offensive with several holes now that Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley are older and Jayson Werth has taken his act to D.C.

NL Central

1. Milwaukee
2. Cincinnati
3. Chicago
4. St. Louis
5. Pittsburgh
6. Houston

I've been waiting quite some time for the Brewers to finally break through and take a division title, and with Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder still in the lineup and Zach Greinke now joining the rotation, if it isn't happening this year, it isn't happening any year. Plus, my favorite beer is from Wisconsin and they're generally nice people so sure, let's give 'em this one. I'll put my chips on the Crew this time, why not?

NL West

1. San Francisco
2. Colorado (WC)
3. Los Angeles
4. San Diego
5. Arizona

The smart money says that a lot of people don't really think the Giants have a chance at repeating their unlikely run as World Series champions from last year, but I actually think they've got a decent shot for the obvious reason that their pitching is absurdly stacked -- and for many years at that. Lincecum, Cain and the newcomer Bumgarner will all be a part of the equation for years, and while the Phillies' rotation may boast more names, Philadelphia's pitchers will ply their trade in a park built for offense. AT&T Park in San Francisco is the best pitchers' park in the NL west of Queens.

AL East

1. Boston
2. Tampa Bay (WC)
3. NY Yankees
4. Baltimore
5. Toronto

I have a lot of friends who are Yankees fans. A lot of them will not be pleased that I don't have the Yankees making the playoffs. And that prediction is, I'm sure, probably the most obviously wrong one about this whole thing. But I have a hunch that New York's offensive studs -- Cano, Teixeira, et al -- are going to be offset by the declining offensive skills and defensive black hole that happens to sit on the left side of the infield. But it's cool because he got a totally necessary, rational and reasonably priced contract this winter for a 36-year-old who hit .270 last season. I know, I know. It's payback for all he's given you. Good thing, too since he didn't get paid very well on his last contract. Oh, and their pitching rotation has one bona fide ace and four question marks, one of whom has started all of seven games in the Majors. Oh yeah, and the Rays are totally loaded with cheap young talent. So there's that.

AL Central

1. Minnesota
2. Detroit
3. Chicago
4. Kansas City
5. Cleveland

I don't think your eventual champ is coming from this division, I sort of like the relatively well-rounded make up of the Twins, and I don't like a whole lot else. But as every magazine seems to be noting, the Royals just might be primed for a run at the World Series.... in 2015. Seriously, that team is going to kick some serious ass when I'm 30 with the prospects they've got coming up. And the real amusing thing? They could go to that World Series to face another team that has put a large amount of money in its farm system lately... Pittsburgh. Yeah, a Royals-Pirates World Series. Of course this year that would be, you know, nonsense.

AL West

1. Texas
2. Oakland
3. Anaheim
4. Seattle

A lot of people think the Rangers made the World Series last year for the first time in franchise history because they caught a lot of lucky breaks, which is right about the fact that they, well, caught some lucky breaks. But they were also, you know, really good. And that offense is downright scary. And the rest of the this division isn't. So, lucky or not, why isn't this team an obvious choice to repeat exactly? I guess we'll find out in October when I look back and see that I'm wrong on this.

Ok, so now we've basically got something like this, right?

NLDS
(4) Colorado over (1) Philadelphia
(2) San Francisco over (3) Milwaukee

ALDS

(1) Boston over (3) Minnesota
(4) Tampa Bay over (2) Texas

NLCS
(2) San Francisco over (4) Colorado

ALCS
(1) Boston over (4) Tampa Bay

2011 World Series
(1) Boston over (2) San Francisco

So yeah. The Red Sox are going to win the World Series for the third time in eight seasons. That's my prediction, and it's highly uninspired and boring -- and it seems like something that would be completely unbelievable if I were still in my childhood -- but, well, it's probably right. Unless the Mets pull a 1969, but I don't see that coming. And neither do the experts.

Barring a miracle, I'm looking at next year. But hey, maybe it'll shock me. I guess I'll find out at 7 p.m. tonight.

Even The Mets Get To Play October Baseball

Ah, October. The leaves are changing color, the temperatures are dropping, college football provides endless entertainment, political races obscure our sense of reality with an endless stream of TV ads and baseball reaches its climax: The postseason.

Now, some of you may be scoffing at my acknowledgment that the Mets are playing baseball in October, because, you know, they aren't playing baseball anymore.

Oh, but God Bless the schedule makers who decided to start baseball season a week late this year. Because of that peculiar delay, the Mets -- and the rest of the Major Leagues -- didn't play their last game until October 3, which, it should be noted, was the 12th anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah, a Bar Mitzvah-versary if you will. And so, because of that scheduling quirk, Omar Minaya and Jerry Manuel will always be able to tell people that they took the Mets into October in their last year with the organization. Then again, considering Minaya's legacy it's probably better to have that as his final act than some other instances. As for Manuel, he's probably going to be remembered best for somehow assuming he wasn't going to get fired because he hadn't been told it yet, even though everyone seemed to know it was coming and Joe Torre had already publicly campaigned for his job. That may not be the wisest decision for Torre of course. He should already know what he'd have coming for him in Queens.

Wait, what's that? You don't care and want to hear about the teams that are actually playing?

Ugh. Fine.

So, if you've been paying close attention, there are actually eight other teams in the Major Leagues that matter. Sort of. And they'll be starting play in MLB's annual postseason playoff tournament Wednesday at 1:37 p.m., when Cliff Lee and David Price take the mound in a humdinger of a series opener between the Rangers and Rays at Tropicana Field. Now, I don't want to alarm all of you, but if the Rays wind up winning the World Series it may be less than legitimate. A woman in Florida appears to have cracked the code and blown the doors open on a vast Zionist conspiracy that is causing the Rays to start James Shields in Game 2 Thursday because he's Jewish. Why would this matter? Well, the team's ownership is Jewish and we bastards band together of course. Just listen to the kindly Floridian who's uncovered the scandal. She sounds very sure of herself.

First CNN and now this.

As a Jewish person, I am going to recuse myself from commenting on the nature of our vast conspiracy to get only Jewish pitchers on the mound, but I do think the radio host makes a valid point in that Gabe Kapler is nowhere to be found in tomorrow's starting lineup. Of course, it should be noted that there is also a question as to whether or not Shields is even Jewish, though he certainly fights like one. If he isn't, clearly we Jews aren't as smart as we think when it comes to these conspiracies. It's kind of like how we still claim Sage Rosenfels even though he's raising his kids to be Christian. Essentially what all of this boils down to is that our presumed Jewish conspiracy has officially supplanted what I thought was the most embarrassing thing I had seen this week.

The only thing more embarrassing that you might see this October? Probably how badly my picks fare over the next four weeks. Nonetheless, here we go. If you're impatient, I say Tampa Bay finally wipes the stink of Jose Canseco from its franchise highlights.

ALDS
(1) Tampa Bay over (3) Texas in four games
(2) Minnesota over (4) NY Yankees in five games

NLDS
(1) Philadelphia over (3) Cincinnati in three games
(2) San Francisco over (4) Atlanta in four games

ALCS
(1) Tampa Bay over (2) Minnesota in six games

NLCS
(2) San Francisco over (1) Philadelphia in seven games

2010 World Series
(1) Tampa Bay over (2) San Francisco in six games

I know, it seems peculiar, but for some reason I've got a hunch the Giants could pull off the upset as the only team in the NL with pitching that comes close to matching Philadelphia's. It may just be wishful thinking on my part, but if there's any chance for someone to stop the Phillies from taking a third straight National league Pennant, this would be it. As for the American League, Minnesota has been on fire for the second half despite not having Justin Morneau around. Morneau is out for the postseason, and the Twins have slowed down in the last two weeks, but so have the Yankees, whose pitching seems to be discombobulated. Not that it'll matter, because for the Rays, this is their time. They are talented offensively and in the rotation, have a sharp manager in Joe Maddon and have one last shot to go for it all with Carl Crawford in tow, which means, to me, that all signs point to the Rays winning their first-ever World Championship in front of all 38 of their fans.

It's probably a Jewish conspiracy. We won't know for sure until the franchise moves to Tel Aviv.

Your Completely Incorrect And Only Slightly Biased 2010 Baseball Preview

Sometimes when you're young, Opening Day seems like some far off beacon and you count down the days excitedly until it's here. Other times, you're so preoccupied with life that it kind of sneaks up on you, even though you've been reading stories and watching Spring Training games on TV almost daily. 2010, for me, is most certainly the latter. In fact, it didn't hit me until about three days ago that baseball season was pretty much here. Hockey, college basketball, Israel and life in general have all conspired to keep me in the dark, but after a few moments of contemplation I'm ready.

Maybe.

This is a peculiar season for me because, as a Mets fan, everyone seems to think disaster is going to strike and 81 wins is a pipe dream. A remarkable change in my mind considering this team, which was mostly injured all of last season, has a largely unchanged starting lineup from the one Sports Illustrated picked to win the 2009 World Series. This team reminds me an awful lot of the 2007 New York Giants, who, after a disappointing 2006 season in which they were expected to contend for a Super Bowl, naysayers had finishing 4-12 before they made a remarkable run to the third Super Bowl title in franchise history.

The 2010 Mets, in a sense, seem similar to me. Of course, I'm also a naive wide-eyed optimist. So view it for what you will. I acknowledge that the pitching after Johan Santana doesn't scare a baby, but John Niese showed promise before becoming the umpteenth Met to go down with an injury last year, John Maine and Mike Pelfrey have both shown flashes of being solid Major League pitchers and, who knows, maybe Oliver Perez finally puts it together.

Ok, that last one is a bit of a stretch.

But who knows? It could wind up better than we think. That's why they play the games. I caution you all with the knowledge that I am making my picks as I write this so there's a good chance it will seem ridiculous. And as I always say when I have to write these things, none of you are probably going to remember what I wrote in November anyway. Always the silver lining.

Off we go:

NL East

1. Philadelphia
2. New York Mets
3. Atlanta
4. Florida
5. Washington

Wishful thinking that the Mets will crack second place? Probably. Atlanta could easily take that spot and Florida's talent is not to be trifled with. I would expect to see the Nationals stay in the cellar, but they're finally starting to build the right way. Five years from now, they could be at the top looking down.

NL Central

1. St. Louis
2. Chicago Cubs
3. Milwaukee
4. Cincinnati
5. Houston
6. Pittsburgh

Chicago will probably be the stronger team on paper, but I just can never put faith in the Cubs. Interestingly, I wouldn't be surprised to see the middle of this division -- Milwaukee and Cincinnati -- make some noise. As for the Pirates, I wouldn't be surprised to see them lose 100 games. Again.

NL West
1. Colorado
2. San Francisco *
3. Los Angeles
4. Arizona
5. San Diego

Colorado looks like the most well-rounded team of the lot to me, particularly once Huston Street is healthy, and while the offense is certainly lacking in the Bay, I think a rotation with Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and potential strikeout machine Jonathan Sanchez is just too good not to make the postseason. Of course, if the Dodgers win this division like they're supposed to, I'll look like a fool. I can handle it.

NLDS:
San Francisco over Philadelphia
Colorado over St. Louis

NLCS:
Colorado over San Francisco

AL East
1. New York Yankees
2. Tampa Bay*
3. Boston
4. Toront
5. Baltimore

It really is a shame that the rest of these teams get stuck in the same division as the Yankees and Red Sox. I can't really see the Bombers not making the postseason, but with a number of impending free agent contracts, the Rays are loaded with talent and in "win now" mode. They'll have to make waves.

AL Central
1. Minnesota
2. Chicago White Sox
3. Detroit
4. Cleveland
5. Kansas City

The Twins have some obstacles to overcome, particularly with Joe Nathan going down for the year with Tommy John surgery. But the rotation is still strong and the lineup is still talented. And with Joe Mauer locked up and Target Field getting its debut, I suspect the stars will still align for Minnesota -- especially since they can spend money now.

AL West
1. Anaheim - Yeah people. They still play in Anaheim.
2. Texas
3. Seattle
4. Oakland

The Angels look like the clear favorite to me, but I'm awfully interested to see what happens with the Mariners and Rangers, both of whom are intriguing teams that could make a splash. If Cliff Lee gets healthy, Seattle has a nasty top two in their rotation with him and Felix Hernandez. The Rangers meanwhile, once Ian Kinsler gets back, have a lineup that can match anyone's. Well, except Anaheim's.

ALDS:
Tampa Bay over Anaheim
New York Yankees over Minnesota

ALCS:
Tampa Bay over New York Yankees

2010 World Series:
Colorado over Tampa Bay

The Colorado Rockies winning the World Series? Really? It seems odd to me too, but I think it could happen. And while a matchup between them and the Rays is hardly the sexiest thing fans could be seeing, it should be two damn good teams facing off. And if that doesn't excite you, you probably don't like baseball as much as I do. Either way, even if you don't care about the Rockies, at least you probably don't hate them. And unlike some other sporting events going on right now, that in and of itself would be satisfying.

First pitch is in seven hours. Get excited. Just try not to be distracted by Geelong's big showdown with Hawthorn four hours later.